my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
