yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
