he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
