I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
