Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
