I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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