He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
