When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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