its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
