Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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