I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
