a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I understand Curling. That high.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
