I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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