oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
