Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
