The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
did i walk over a car last night?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
