she woke up with a sticky ear
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
