I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
