I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
