Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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