That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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