My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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