The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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