Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
