Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
