If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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