i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
