I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
