She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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