I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
