no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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