Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
