I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
