There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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