Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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