so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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