i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
