Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
