Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
