I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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