I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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