I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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