For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
did you just send me my own nude
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
