She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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