I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
