I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
