suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
