I CAN MOONWALK!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
