I am spending my child support on dildos
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
