I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
