He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
