Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
